I
lost my first tooth when I was five. I lost a stuffed zebra named
Harold when I rode the Ferris wheel with Preacher at the fair. I lost
Harold the same month I lost Dad. I lost Dad when Mom yelled Get
Out. I lost faith when I was six and God took Mom and
Preacher to Cincinnati. I lost faith and got Dad back. I lost my second
tooth three days later. I lost Dad's beer money at the fair when I was
nine. I lost my best trading cards earning it back. I lost my bike to
Jason Harper when I was ten. I lost a tooth when I told Dad. I lost my
virginity in sixth grade in the dugout. I lost my virginity three more
times before the girls figured me out and stole my box of condoms. I
lost Dad to AA later that year. I lost myself in the bottom of his
bottles. I lost interest in school. I lost a lot of fights until I lost
feeling scared. I lost feeling scared when me and Jason Harper started
playing rugby. I lost Dad again when he fell off the wagon. I lost
myself to yellow jackets and torpedoes. I lost myself to free-basing. I
lost rugby to the habit. I lost the habit when I met Bethany Redding. I
lost the habit in my room. I lost the habit while Jason Harper sat with
me. I lost myself to the shakes and puking and sweating and swearing
and shitting myself. I lost
myself to find Bethany. I lost my nerve five times before I asked
Bethany out. I lost Bethany when I couldn't tell her I loved her after
eighteen months. I lost her three weeks before the prom. I lost myself in
the bottle. I lost my first car when Dad drove it through a guardrail
and into the Susquehanna. I lost the bottle and got Bethany back. I
lost Dad's house paying off his debt. I lost myself in my studies. I
lost my old buddies. I lost money applying to college. I lost my waiter
job at Olive Garden. I lost my job because I got into college three
states away. I lost my nerve and almost didn't go. I lost Bethany again
when she died of ovarian cancer at twenty-six. I lost the baby because
I lost Bethany. I lost myself in the bottle. I lost her wedding ring
playing poker with buddies from my frat. I lost control bad enough to
send the guy who won it to the hospital. I lost my job as marketing
manager for a grocery. I lost the company too much money. I lost myself
on the road. I lost myself on purpose. I lost myself losing myself. I
lost the nerve to blow my brains out. I lost perspective, my therapist
tells me. I lost what else he said, 'cause I just keep thinking about
what all I lost.